1. Delaying grief, suspending celebrations
Body & Spirit. Bauhaus
By now, you may have come out of one or two or even three lockdowns as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic. You may still be in lockdown. We move through waves and tiers; the strains mutate and the seasons change. For many, the days feel monotonous and without structure. Holidays have passed as have other milestones in your life and your families. Do we postpone celebrating these milestones such as anniversaries, birthdays, or graduations? And what about mourning the losses? Do we acknowledge the hardship – be it the smaller, symbolic losses of our public life, or the brutal loss of a job or a delayed scan or loss of a home or a loved one? For many, I hear that ‘We will wait until this is over…’ Or most commonly heard, ‘When things go back to normal…’
We postpone the gratification and the grief. It may feel too overwhelming and premature to process our experience because we are not safe on the other side of this life-changing event. Many of us are tired. It begs the question, When is the right time to process our experience?
The importance of ritual-making
Our rituals, rites of passage, and traditions are part of our way of making meaning of an event. It is not just the experience of the event itself but the whole process from start to end that makes meaning. Significantly, the ritual invites all of us to participate - our minds, bodies, and emotions in an embodied way. It’s not always about the obvious milestones in our society. It could be small and personal. Like the Sunday roast. Or a visit to the cemetery. Or in preparation for any kind of practice.
Think about all that goes into the process of ritual-making. It is first planned and conceptualised. This gives us context for how we want to use aesthetics and symbols to create atmosphere and mood. The planning can build anticipation and with that are a lot of desires and values. When we realise a ritual we are putting those desires and values into form. This is something that comes from within us to be expressed. Therefore, ritual-making can be deeply creative and spiritual like any art form. If we are experiencing a ceremony with others, we are able to connect with others, forming bonds, shared histories and influencing the meaning of the event or gathering. This whole process of ritualisation creates movement.
The role of religion in ritual-making
Of course, religion offers examples of ritualisation to offer exaltation, atonement, or lamentation to our spirits. There are schools of thought in both sociology (Durkheim) and psychology (Jung) that point out many of Western society’s problems - addiction, crime, depression, loneliness are a ‘spiritual problem’. This can be both as a result of the decline of religion and the aggressive rise of industrialisation. In our secular society dominated by neo-liberal capitalism, how do we make meaning for our big moments and emotions?
“The secret to making secular ritual that effectively meets our most profound human needs lies in a creative process based on coherence and authenticity. This calls for theory that focuses on the experiencing body. Ritual is not a game, but it can be playful; it is not therapy, but it can be therapeutic; it is not theatre, but it is theatrical; it is not Art, but it is artistic.” Jeltje Gordon-Lennox
Wait, what day is it again?
Many of us feel we’re stuck in ‘blursday’ or how lockdown creates monotony and struggle to discern our days. The pandemic has created seismic changes to our way of life. For many, it’s terrible. The invitation for those of us in lockdown or shielding and who are lucky to live in safe homes is to reconsider holding back or holding out for the right moment. Sure, Zoom is not ideal. There are alternatives to an online connection. Paradoxically, for some families, lockdown has offered more connection in their relationships because everyone is burnt out from work and home school screentime! Ritual-making might involve a little invention to break up the monotony of lockdown. For those of you home educating your children in lockdown, you are likely already a dab hand at making learning experiential. We can spend a whole week immersing ourselves in the Chinese New Year! Or make a whole world from the leftover cardboard boxes. Regarding grief, we can look to the East for guidance and/or ancient cultures steeped in tradition like moirologia in Southern Greece.
The purpose of ritualisation is a way to activate our desires and emotions. To move through what is held within and express it. Instead, if we half acknowledge our grief or triumphs, the feeling dissipates - we lose purpose; the creativity and invitation for intrapersonal connection and connection with others pass.
This is our current reality - online or IRL. So whether or not it was a major event in your life you passed up or the small sorrows adding up in your emotional inventory, there is a need for us to make meaning and to connect with our experiences and in relation to others. We know that if we don’t process or acknowledge the emotion, it doesn’t leave us…
“We need a sense of community when we are in mourning because we were not meant to be islands of grief. The reality is that we heal as a tribe. There is no greater gift you can give someone in grief than to ask them about their loved one, and then truly listen. When we see our sorrow in the eyes of another, we know our grief has meaning.”
David Kessler
Acknowledge your feelings. Maybe feel it. Maybe light a candle for that person you miss. Hold the wedding, safely. Hire a drag queen to facilitate your work meeting. Create your own graduation ceremony. Make up a new family event. Keep the family quiz going. Set your intention to prepare for a practice. Improvise. Invent. Adapt. Express. Connect.
If you need to process your grief professionally, contact me at kendall@kcbtherapy.com
On reflection
What are your losses? Have you grieved them? What major milestones do you feel you have missed since the pandemic? Does the grief stay with you? What has gone unseen? What has gone unheard?
What triumphs have you overcome? Have you acknowledged both the losses and the triumphs in this challenging time?
What stopped you from celebrating/commemorating/mourning? Is there a way to uphold these rites of passages and events in a scaled-down or alternative way that is creative and intentional?
Have you created new rituals or upheld old ones since the pandemic? How have you adapted them during the lockdown?
How do you connect with your emotional expressions that come up over the pandemic?
Resources
Draw: River of Life - draw your experience over the course of the pandemic. How fast does the water move? Are there rapids? Where did you get stuck? Where are the bends in the river? Tell your story.
Look: ‘The Truth is in the Soil’ photographs by Ioanna Sakellaraki
Watch: ‘An Occupation of Loss’ a performance by Taryn Simon for Art Angel
Sources
Carl Jung, The Meaning of Psychology for Modern Man
David Kessler as interviewed in The Legacy
Emile Durkheim, The Functionalist Role of Religion
Jan Berry, Ritual Making Women: Shaping Rites for Changing Lives
Jeltje Gordon-Lennox, Emerging Ritual in Secular Societies; A Transdisciplinary Conversation
The Legatum Prosperity Index (the causal link between religious engagement and well-being)