5. Shadow Work: Integrating Our Darker Emotions for Wholeness and Authenticity
“Oh, Peter, I knew you'd come back! I saved your shadow for you. Oh, I do hope it isn't rumpled. You know, you look exactly the way I thought you would.” Wendy, from Peter Pan
If you know me, I refer a lot to our shady-ness. This is not one and the same as throwing shade (which is a very enjoyable pastime). What I’m referring to is Carl Jung’s seminal theory on our shadow. Our wounds, our sorrows, our nastiness, or dark side is all comprised in the shadow of our psyches. We may deliberately keep some of these parts well-hidden from society or family and friends. Or it is most likely out of awareness because these parts are deeply embedded in our psyches as a form of adaptation we learned to get by and fit in. Living in lockdown makes it tricky to keep all those parts well hid.
We all have a shady side. Common phrases we hear like: ‘This isn’t like me… Or I don’t know why I’m feeling this way… I don’t know what’s gotten into him…’ deny that we are complex creatures with many facets - including the parts we just don’t want to get down with. Difficult emotions like anger, arrogance, bitterness, insecurities, jealousy, laziness, shame, and so forth are the shady parts that make us human. We experience these emotions when we lose our rag, or unexpectedly when certain sensations or memories or situations can ‘trigger’ us. When we are occupying one of the extreme states or are dysregulated, our emotional expressions or reactionary behaviours stem from the shadow side of ourselves that typically comes out under duress or conflict. And we know, these times of uncertainty and doubt are stressful.
“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well-meant intentions.” Carl Jung
By Kid Acne
Holler if you can hear me – the origins of adaptation and shadow formation
As babies, we don’t have a lot to work with – holler if you want mommy to hear you and pick you up. Holler if you want to eat and holler if your pants are full and you need changing. As our brain and body develops, we are imprinted by those who raise us - observing not just what is said but what is felt in the tone - what makes mommy laugh, what makes daddy angry, how mommy and daddy argue, how daddy walks when he’s tired and so forth. And we internalise these observations that form our personality structures. How far can I wander off is based on what my parents say and also what I test out. How I play with others. What is funny. What is inappropriate.
Your parents/guardians/family can be benignly neglectful (even a bit sh*T!) and it doesn’t matter. The point is that children are dependent and have no agency in their world and they can’t articulate their needs with any fluency. They can’t very well understand words or logic which is why the implicit is important here (sounds, sensations, feelings as their neocortex part of their brain is forming). Children’s survival hangs on to what their families show them, tell them, and model for them indirectly. This will imprint our brains for learning about selfhood. If mommy likes to dress me up like a little doll and be ‘pretty’ then I learn that this is how I feel seen and get mommy’s attention. If daddy doesn’t seem to like my shouting and loudness, I learn to turn down my exuberance. If my Gran is not able to hold me and hug me when I have big emotions because I’m a ‘big boy’, then I learn to push that down.
These earliest influences form a kind of conditioning for an adapted self. The parts of us that are disproved of are simply not seen go underground and occupy the shadow. So as children, we are adept little sociologists who form self-preservation strategies in order to feel loved. These messages and strategies form the blueprint for how we move into the world. We will continue to adapt and conform and shape our identities and be part of wider structures and systems (school, community, work, society).
Three shades of Anna
Here are three different examples of self-preservation strategies for women called Anna told from different cultures and subjectivities. Their strategies were formed based on the messages they learned growing up (‘Be perfect’/’Don’t be a child’ & ‘Try hard’/’Don’t be you’).
1. ‘Be perfect’ - Ana was raised by very loving parents who immigrated from São Paolo and sacrificed everything for her to have a better life. They worked low-end manual labour jobs in London despite their degrees back home. The pressure on Ana is to be perfect. To be the perfect daughter from her family outwards to her communities in SE London, and society writ large; to be the perfect immigrant, to be the perfect brown-skinned person, the perfect mother, etc. Ana’s self-preservation strategy is to do right by their parents and this means to not fail them. She, therefore, sails through school with flying colours, earns a scholarship for uni, then an internship at a prestigious firm, and her life is being made. She’s earning well and has an important role in a top accounting firm in the city that requires every hour of her waking day. Eventually, Ana finds her match - a perfect husband and provides two beautiful grandchildren for her retired parents. She is now finding her work even harder to keep up with while raising her young children. And boy does her youngest child overwhelm her. Birth was traumatic. She never slept. And as a pre-schooler, her daughter has all these tantrums and feelings that she doesn’t understand how to attend to. Her husband has more patience with her and she’s jealous of this. Ana is overwhelmed and feels like she’s a failure as a mum. Deep down, she resents her daughter’s relentless demands. Ana never had it so good growing up with all these toys and activities and holidays she provides her daughters. Ana feels she is failing in all aspects of her life.
What do you think is going to happen to Ana? Is Ana living her so-called ‘best life’? Who is she living for? What parts of her has she repressed?
2. ‘Don’t be a child’/’Try hard’ Anna is from Frankfurt, Deutschland. She was raised by over-protective parents. They didn’t give her much wiggle room growing up. She learned how to play piano from a young age and was carted around to various hobbies and extra-curricular activities to be well-rounded while her parents both worked full-time as doctors. Her parents weren’t overly critical but they didn’t offer any emotional sustenance. Fortunately, Anna had an Oma (gran) who was very loving and affectionate. Anna’s parents separated when she was 13 and now she has to learn how to live with her stepmother and her younger kids in another house. Anna does her best to appease her parents and tries hard to meet their different demands but she finds studying difficult and unenjoyable. She’s afraid to make mistakes and make a mess. Anna made it to medical school alright– despite her anxiety and panic attacks (and some secret self-harming that helped her cope). Halfway through though, she dropped out. Anna has been through a number of jobs and relationships since – she likes to have a good time and doesn’t want to be held down by any long-term commitments. She wants to be free and recently celebrated her 30th birthday that was ushered in with another hangover. She’s restless in herself and in her body.
What do you think is going to happen to Anna? Is she living her authentic life now, free? Who is she living for? What parts of her has she repressed?
3. ‘Don’t be you’ Aine is from Dublin. She comes from a traditional Catholic family and has two older brothers. Growing up, she was ever the tomboy being around her dad and older brothers. Sundays played a memorable role with all the pomp and ceremony of church. She hated having her hair done and wearing dresses. It didn’t make sense what the priests said but she’s read the bible and she finds the passages pretty haunting. Aine attends a Catholic secondary school (naturally) where she has a hard time finding her peer group. They always talk about boys. It’s so boring! But she’s really close with her friend Kerrie – in a way that makes her feel different. Aine won’t permit her imagination to wander because she knows that her desire is not right. As life carries on, Aine eventually gains a qualification and joins her brothers in the family business. She seems to always be single despite her mum’s constant nagging about settling down. What her family doesn’t know (or speak of) is that Aine lives with someone else who is her partner. Aine carries the secret of her sexuality in her bones and the sense of shame is a very heavy burden to keep in this split life.
What do you think is going to happen to Aine and her family? Is she out? Who is she living for? What parts of her has she repressed?
The integrated self
For many schools of thought, therapy is the work to return back to the original or authentic or ‘organismic’ self, shedding all these structures and adaptations. This is a lofty goal and borders on a kind of unrealistic enlightenment attained on a monastery hilltop. For Jung, integrating the shadow or making the unconscious conscious is part of making us whole. It is not about banishing our parts - or by extension ourselves - into exile but to have a deeper self-understanding to see how all these parts can be of service to us and enrich our lives with meaning.
Shadow work is something we can all observe without having to be in therapy. It allows us to feel the full range of our emotional selves, even nascent talents(!) and it releases shame about the parts we don’t like. It allows us to be more authentic in how we show up in our interactions and relationships.
On reflection
1. Can you find your shadow? What feelings does it comprise of?
2. What situations or relationships can provoke you into your shadowy emotional states?
3. Does this feeling feel familiar? Is there an old grudge? Are you holding yourself to higher standards? Are there unhealthy attachments that you can’t let go of? Do you show up for others more than yourself?
4. Which story of Anna resonates the most for you? Why? What feelings came up for you when reading about her self-preservation strategies?
Resources
Check out: Kid Acne’s work - an evocative street artist and activist
Listen: Love the lyrics and catharsis of this new track by Tune-Yards: hold yourself
Read: Stefanie Stahl, the European superstar psychotherapist whose best selling book all about our inner child’s shadow was recently translated
Try: Journalling using prompts or questions around your shadow (there’s a lot of ‘em out there and free resources online)
Sources
Johnson, R. Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche (1994)
Jung, C. The Development of Personality (1992)
Kahh, M. Between Therapist and Client (1997)
Stewart, I & Joines, V. TA Today, 2nd Ed. (2012)